Life is hard. God is good. Please Pray

Wow. It's been awhile since I've blogged. I don't really know where to begin. I guess I'll begin with prayer. I believe that prayer is powerful and am asking anyone else who believes this to join me.

Those who know me well, know that the last eight months or so has easily been the hardest season of my life. Without getting into too many details, to respect the privacy of some people who I love dearly, I will just say that this season has been extremely painful.

The reality of the fallen world that we live in is clear. Sin is real. Pain is real. There is a real spiritual battle happening. My family life as I've known it for the last 30 years will never be the same.

Over the last several years, I found pride in the fact that I lived a semi drama free life. But as Proverbs 16:18 says, "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall."

Sometimes, drama finds you. Sometimes it's wrapped up in the people that you love the most.

I remember praying right before the start of the new year that God would soften my heart. My heart has since been completely wrecked. I'm not saying that God causes sin to happen or wants us to suffer. I am saying that though we live in a fallen world, He will use even the least of these to bring Him glory.

The last eight months have definitely been painful. I  have wept more and cried out to God more than ever before. In that, He has been so faithful. Life sucks sometimes. Families fall apart. Things seem hopeless. There comes a point when all that you can do is pray. I've been doing that a lot.

I'd be lying if I said that through all of this, I always turned to God first or trusted Him fully. I have, however, on more than one occasion over the last several months come to a point where there is nowhere else to turn, and He has been waiting with open arms.

Life has been painful, hard, exhausting at times. My relationship with my Savior and my times with Him have never been sweeter even amongst the chaos around. His love has never been so real. I've had to cling to Him and trust His Word and He has been proven faithful over and over again.

The song below is one that I was thinking about as I was worshipping at church earlier this morning. I was praising Him and thanking Him that the promise found in this song his so true and one that I can trust. He never does leave my side. He is faithful.

All afternoon, I was thinking about this and thanking Him for it. I was thinking about writing this very blog. Then, once again, this evening, as I was with family, more proof of our fallen world became real. Pardon my language, but shit hit the fan tonight in a new, more difficult way. It's hard not to be angry at certain people, at the situation.

As I write this, I'm playing this song on repeat and have stopped several times to cry out to God and to claim the promises found in scripture and in this song. Life isn't easy. I often stray from where I need to be with my Savior, but He is faithful. He is with me. I will make it through this battle, with Him as my advocate. I am eternally thankful for His work on the cross.

Life is brutal at times, but it is also so sweet. Grace is real. Salvation can be found in Christ alone and He pleads for us. I have some great friends and family who have supported me and the various members of my family involved in these difficult times, but the One who is always there, is my precious Savior, Jesus Christ.

Thank you for reading this. Please be praying for my family in the days and months to come. Life sucks sometimes and we have a long road ahead.

Song: Oh God

Three Week Update

Well, I'm three weeks in to the dairy free life. There are pros and cons for sure, but I'm plugging along.

Pros: already feeling better in certain areas. Without going into too much detail, there have been some noticeable changes in my monthly cycle and fewer stomach issues.

Cons: I REALLY miss cheese, and chocolate, but mostly cheese.

New Era

Welp, today begins my journey into a dairy free life. I've been having some health issues since I was a kid and over the last few years I've become more and more suspicious that they're dairy related. In an effort to find out once and for all, I'm cutting it out of my life. 

As I've thought about this endeavor and started looking at food labels and such, I've realized that milk is in EVERYTHING! It won't be easy, but I'm hoping it will be worth it. I'm really going to miss cheese though. This is all a part of my efforts to be healthier in my 30s than I was in my 20s. Here we go!

Being Single in the Church

As some of you know, about a month ago, I was not in a very good place emotionally. I'd like to say that life is all sunshine and rainbows today, but the truth is that it's not. I think I have grown some in the last month and my attitude about things has changed some, but life is still an emotional roller coaster. I am so thankful that God is along for the ride though as are some great people that He has placed in my life.

As I was sitting with a good (newlywed) friend this afternoon, we were discussing life and also planning a bachelorette party for another good friend. Both of these are ladies who have walked the single life with me over the last few years and know the struggles that I am experiencing. As hard as it is sometimes, to see people who I've been able to relate to over the last few years move on to new chapters of their lives while I seem to be stuck in this chapter, I am genuinely excited for them and happy to be a part of their lives no matter where my life is at.

Anyway, part of our conversation today was my friend asking how I was doing with church these days. You see, she knew I had been struggling with seeing everyone around me getting married and having kids, and to top things off, our church has been going through a marriage series the last few weeks, and will continue for several weeks ahead...

So, how am I doing? I have my ups and downs. I'm having to cling tight to Jesus through this process. There are good times and not so good times. As we've started this series, God has pointed out how selfish I am and drawn me closer to Him. I have mixed feelings about being single in the church today. I've had some great talks with people, and most importantly, great talks with my Heavenly Father.

I was talking to a friend last weekend about how marriage seems to be a "trendy" topic among Christians today. There seems to be an abundance of books and sermons on the subject all of the sudden. We weren't sure if this is really a new, trendy thing, or if we're just noticing it more because of our circumstances in life. I don't know what the answer is, but I do understand why it is important to talk about and I don't see the need for such talks to end anytime soon. I get that marriage is supposed to be an earthly representation of Christ and the church. As our world gets more sinful, and marriages become more corrupt, we will need to be reminded of what a good, godly marriage should look like more and more often. I totally understand that, yet it doesn't make being single in the church any easier.

For years, I've read books, and heard people say that Jesus was single, therefore singles in the church should not be considered lesser people. I agree, but the reality is, that's not the way things seem to play out in many churches. When was the last time you heard a sermon series preached to single people? I don't know what the answer is, but something has to change. 

That's kinda where I'm at right now. I'm trying to embrace the place that God has me in life right now. With His help, trying to become less selfish, and learn where He has me. It's still hard sometimes. Tomorrow morning, I will wake up, go serve by hanging out with other people's kids, then sit and listen to another sermon about marriage. I don't know where I will be emotionally when I wake up, but I'll be praying that He shows me a way to apply what I'm hearing. 

I'm single and though I don't understand why I am where I am sometimes, I will keep clinging to Jesus and trusting that He has a plan in all of this. I will be praying for married and single people alike and blessing people where I can.

Sometimes Life Just Sucks

I should start by warning you that this blog contains much vulnerability and probably some bitterness and other ugliness. It's where I'm at right now. Just keeping it real and needed to get some things out.

Sometimes, when you're single and 30 years old, life just sucks. All I've ever wanted in life was to be married and have kids. My life plan was to be done having kids by the time I was 25 and be the cute, young mom. God obviously had a different plan. Most of the time I'm kind of ok with this. Sometimes the reality is just hard though.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day and I was absolutely miserable. Here I was, 30 years old, and completely alone. I had to boycott Facebook and other social media sites for the day because everywhere I looked, people were talking about how blessed they were to have someone special in their lives as well as pictures of their cute kids. While I am extremely happy for these people, and I agree that they are blessed, put simply, I hurt. Even the posts about boring nights at home with their significant others made me want to scream, "At least you have someone!" 

I know that I'm really not alone. I know that God is with me and that there are people who care about me. I know that God has placed many other peoples' children in my life and I treasure that experience. Sometimes though, I just want to know when it's going to be my turn. I know this sounds selfish and it probably is. It's the reality of where I'm at.

Many well meaning people over the years have encouraged me. Telling me my time will come, that God has an amazing plan. Deep down I believe this, but at the same time, there comes a point where I'm just tired of the cliches. Sometimes life is just painful. Sometimes God has to work through the pain. Sometimes it's hard to see what good could possibly lay ahead. Sometimes, life just sucks. That's kinda where I'm at right now. I don't want to stay here forever, but if it takes more tears for God to bring me where He wants me, I guess I can stay here for a bit.

Sorry this is such a downer post. I'm just being honest about life. Thanks for reading.